Quote:
Originally posted by Maryann Corbett:
Thanks, Lee. If I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing, maybe I can do more! In order, these were my three drafts:
The bridge, ice-slick,
the canyon howling below--
how to go on?
in which I was mostly trying to get the feel of 2-3-2. Roy and Stephen noted that it was wordy.
The icy bridge,
the fog deepening--
How to go on?
Comments at this point helped me see that "How to go on?" contains too much interpretation, so now I'm trying to make it all images.
Icy walking bridge.
Below, the highway screams.
Even air is frozen.
Stuart (thanks for commenting, Stuart) notes that this is static, as all the versions are. What I learn at this point is that the observation I'm trying to build on may not contain a sufficient "leap" for a real haiku. I'm still looking for a true two-image idea.
Thanks again for helping us out here.
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Maryann, thanks for sharing all the versions. I think this is a great example of the process of haiku self editing. When I do that, which of course i do with every poem, by the time i get to the last version i often find i begin leaving things out. For the first line, I line "the icy bridge" or "ice-slick bridge." (Doesn't "ice-slick" take your feet right out from under you?) For the rest, i like the first version. Though i don't generally like rhetorical questions in haiku, it think it works here as something very natural. Here it is an actual dilemma (with enlarging overtones) rather than a fanciful one of the poet's invention.
Lee
P.S. Sorry folks, but i am running out of gas--had a long day at work. I promise to have more tomorrow and the next day and . . . in fact, i am off work for the rest of my visit, so i should be able to give you more, maybe more than you want!