Quote:
Originally posted by Martin Elster:
Thanks very much, Lee, for your info about openendedness.
One more from me. This should be the last one for now. Is this any better in terms of leaving something for the reader?
A small yellow blotch
in a meadow of snowmelt:
a dandelion.
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Martin, Certainly more open than the others, though this one also has its own weaknesses, i am afraid. It is really only one image, presented in the first two lines, followed by the third line telling you what the first image is. There is a sense of discovery here, which is good, but you have already done all of the discovering yourself. Not sure what to do to help you with this one, though you might consider replacing "yellow" with "color" or some other word that allows some change of perception in the poem. Please don't think i am telling you how to write, but maybe you can see a difference between yours, and say:
a dab of summer
in a meadow of snowmelt:
first dandelion
Of course, you may prefer your original to this, but i hope this give some idea of what i am trying to get across, which is that the poet must somehow "add value" to the scene by expanding the reader's possible response to it.
Lee