Quote:
Originally posted by fivefootone:
Lee, thank you for your comments about sound. I hope I'm learning and that you will take a look at a few more for me.
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Sure--i'll be glad to!
Christmas morning feed
icicles in the horses tails
little bells jingling
sudden wind gust
prairie dust rises
to meet the rain
i think you have something here--the last two lines together are fabulous--but i think you have sort of "wasted" the first line. After all, we know there is a gust when we get to the second line. Somehow it seems you would do better to use the first line to give some inkling of the vast grandeur of the prairie, perhaps with the darkness or thunderheads of a summer storm?
satellite dish
a single raven is perched
foil in its beak
This haiku brings to mind one of the important tools japanese poets use to expand the scope of their poems: allude to other poems. We do this all the time in our other poetry, but poets here don't think of this so much in writing haiku. For me, this haiku brings to mind one of Basho's most famous haiku, in translation:
On a withered branch
a crow is perched--
autumn evening
If you know Basho's poem, it greatly addes to the interest of your poem and, by a reversal of moods, adds greatly to its interest. Here are a couple of other haiku that point to Basho's haiku. The first by Jeanne Emrich:
autumn evening--
the crow begins its caw
with a deep bow
and by New Zealander Ernest J. Berry,
second half
another crow settles
on our crossbar
Lee