Quote:
Originally posted by Robert Pecotte:
Lee,
Here’s another batch: it’s hard to find good critique on Haiku, so please chop 'em & cook 'em up.
I know that traditional Haiku poets and Tanka poets tend not to venture into the others domain, but I gave it a shot and have found Tanka quite a bit more than I thought it was.
Anyway, thank you very much for the time and energy you have spent on these little-big poems!
Fr. RP
PS: Hopefully I can get those other two ku up to speed before you flee this place!
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Robert, i have signed on for a week, so i expect to be around till tuesday. Flight precluded
, I will go on to your haiku:
first light
on the cabin porch
mayflies
OK, but not a lot here
late night—
spring’s first fly
bounces off the wall
"late night" seems a bit like a toss off. perhaps you might consider something less general that will put us there?
summer evening
another quick chirp
from the microwave
nicely done! (though once again, you might consider something more concrete than the general "summer evening".)
yellow moon
along the icy prairie…
coming home
i think this one has great potential, though i don't think you are quite there yet. Not sure, for example, why you have "along". and the "coming home" makes me long, once again, for something more specific. you might want to play with this one and see how different ways of expressing this feel to you. in the end, you might find you like this version best, but i think it is worth the effort and don't think you will find it to be time wasted.
frost covers
an untilled field…
for sale
i can see corn from my window here and have to say that this is not what i would expect to see. at least in my part of the world at least, nothing is left untidy, especially something for sale.
evening fades—
a rusty tractor
covered by weeds
OK, but maybe the two images might be too close?
blustery day—
an eagle crouches
on the white boulder
And?
Orion rising
the sound of snow
beneath my feet
Why not give us the sound? And are you barefoot?
a few flowers
among the weeds
a rusted trowel
like this one and the microwave ones best!
Hope this helps--and hope my comments don't sound too harsh!
Lee