Quote:
Originally posted by Chiago Mapocho:
My last batch, this. I hope you don't mind me bringing it so close to the last one. I really appreciate your expertise and thoughful points. Your energy is admirable!
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No problem . . . let me take a look
harmattan haze
arranging flowers
on the windowsill
looks promising, but I am afraid "harmattan" eludes me.
fishingboats
navigate by icebergs
find whale and song
getting clearer!
weird yesterday
a toad backpacking sun
jump through my swing gate.
promising, but the first line is interpreting the experience for the reader. please trust the reader.
one winter
I have a cup of tea
with a tiger and an owl.
haiku usually present a single moment of time. Why "one winter." why not this winter? why not today?
seahorses
lost in midwinter shrubs.
interestingly surrealist
puddles in schoolyards
oil on blacktop
washing a blood moon
the images are much clearer here. please beware leaving out articles artifically.
bees and sunlight
travel on a wheelbarrow
air-travel is out
ok until we get to the third line, then just a (static) interpretive statement rather than a second image. Here is a haiku by Robert Gilliland on the same subject that actually travels:
transplanting the sage
a wheelbarrow full of bees
from backyard to front
please notice how the inclusion of the particular in the first line gives the poem a greater immediacy as well as an interesting fragrance
(or: a wheelbarrow
with ice
remembers spring,
blackbirds and bees / blackbirds and wings / bees and sunlight / water and bees)
no birds
in a weedksy
harrowic winds plow it for clouds
weedksy?
forgetting me
sunlight embrace
another grave
a little hermetic, but it reminds me of "Long Black Veil", one of my favorite songs.
Hope this helps!
Lee