native grasses
bending slow
an old woman
Cally*, I like that one a lot except for "slow". That said, I know you want it to do double duty to both the old woman and the grass. Perhaps, which would also add the element of wind:
native grasses
bending west
and old woman
That actually does a triple duty.
PS, Seree: found yours very good as well. The technique reminds me of Yugen with the last line. I too, though, wondered about "charged". IMO, you're one word away from exquisite.
Two inspired ones while I still have the chance:
ash wedensday
moonspear on sunflowers'
testudoed heads
dawn to nepal evening
milk bottles
filled with yak shadow
(or:
first december
a nepal moon
under a cow's udder
/
sunset
nepal sun drinking
under a cow's udder)
Edit*: Thanks for the heads-up, Henriette. It's fixed.
[This message has been edited by Chiago Mapocho (edited October 20, 2008).]