I share Tim's feeling that there is a formal sense to this well crafted poem, even though it is not strongly metrical.
It is a finely wrought piece, and there is nothing I can point to as being wrong with it, but I wish there was something more strongly right - something that made me blink, or want to smile or applaud. It is a neatly handled small drawing, but even a haiku - tighter and smaller - has a twist, another side, a nudge if not a sting. I miss that here.
I often point out how difficult it is to look at a single line - metrically, or otherwise - out of context; and I think that sometimes applies to poems as well. My reaction to this one depends on context. As an offset or contrast within a collection of more complex poems, it could be excellent. But I think that if I read a collection of poems similar to this one, I would lose interest.
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