[Jim Hayes]

This consists of something like 25 sonnets of which, no doubt to everyone's relief, I've only posted nine.

Blame Marilyn.


The History of the World

Guinnesses is the first book of the bible.
In the garden of Eden Adam was under a tree
making out with a serpent, the outcome of this foible
gave mankind a messy cottage as a legacy.
Adam and Eve christened their first son Cain
who asked of them; “Am I my brother’s son?”
When Eve’s fig leaf shrunk, caught in the rain,
that’s when the sin of interest was begun.
Soon after, Noah landed on Mt Arafat
where Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his birthmark.
Jacob raised up twelve sons and said that
each of them would be a Pontiac.
Joseph’s coats were truly way-out sights
and he gave refuse to the Israelites.

The Egyptians were called mummies who crossed
the Nubile and Sarah desserts by Camelot.
They all wrote in hydraulics which got lost
but were found by Rosetta Stone- a polyglot.
The climate of the Sarah is so hostile
the natives have always lived elsewhere.
Stable crops were grown there for a while
watered by irritation against the glare.
The Faroes built the pyramids. In the main
they were copied from a large triangular funnel.
The Pyramids are mountains next to Spain;
beneath them the Andorrants built a tunnel
so they could go to France by underground
where Cleopatra’s needle could be found.

The Faroe gave the Jews unleavened bread-
A kind of bread that doesn’t have any ingredients;
Moses was boss of the Hebrew slaves and led
them to the Red Sea tasting their obedience.
Afterwards he went and climbed Mt Cyanide
where he got the ten commandments wrote in stone.
Lot’s wife turned to salt when she tried
looking back at Saddam on her own.
David was really good playing the liar;
he fought against the Philatelists who said Ruth
seduced them all, so David sacked their empire
saying half the lies they told were not the truth.
Solomon was his son in Biblical times,
and he had forty wives and ninety porcupines.

We wouldn’t have any history without the Geeks,
They invented many things including a column
that was Corinthian, Doris and Ironic- all antiques.
For a sculptured race that was stoic and solemn
the Geeks were know to have a lot of myths.
A myth is a female moth. A myth once said
Achilles mother dipped him in the Styx
until he became intolerable and couldn’t be dead.
Achilles appears in “The Lily Ad” that asks
if Homer wrote “The Oddity” which tells
of Penelope’s hardship when Ulysses’ tasks
made Harps attract him with fatal smells.
Socrates was a Geek who gave advice
and died of wedlock which he swallowed twice.

His career went into decline on his demise;
In Olympic games the Geek athletes ran races
Hurled the biscuits, threw the java, the prize
Was a coral wreath. The modern Olympics traces
its origins back to a barn the cool Bert ran.
In Athens all the men were Democrats
and riled when Plato claimed he was Utopian.
he had mostly loveless friendships after that.
By the Hellespont Hero waited in her Porche
while Meander swam around to her side;
She showered him where he was by flashing. A torch
led him astray where he wondered and died.
In battle the Geeks were outnumbered now and then
but only when their opponents had more men.

Finally the Romanys conkered the Ancient Geeks
Romans didn’t stay anywhere for long-
that’s the reason they’re called Romans. Each one reeks
at banquets wearing wreaths that pong.
Calculus was an emperor. We can tell
he made his horse a senator ruling the masses
a tradition we’ve adopted here quite well;
though we’re inclined to makes senators out of asses.
In battle Caesar extinguished himself in Gaul
but the Ideas of March killed him because they taught
he was going to be crowned king above them all.
Brutus was the only one he caught;
“Tee hee Brutus” he called out with a gasp.
Mark Twain killed Cleopatra with an asp.

In Ireland all the steaks they had were banished;
St Patrick burned the lot in a brassiere.
So the Irish had nothing to eat and totally famished
waiting for spuds and America to appear.
King Alfred conkered the Dames in the Middle Ages.
King Arthur lived in the age of shivery.
King Harold mustered his troops, that was their wages.
At Hastings the bottling Normans fought for free.
St Joan of Ark was burned to a steak.
and was later canonized by Bernard Shaw.
The Black Death left a wholesome terror in its wake,
boobs grew on peoples necks against the law.
So the Magma Carta was enacted hence
no one could be hung twice for the same offence.

In Midevil times the people were alliterate
Though Chaucer was a writer in his prime
and wrote many poems and verses that were great.
He was also writing literature at the time.
A famous story never heard before
told about William tell and said
He shot an arrow through an apple core
while standing on his son’s unflinching head.
Knights went about saving damsons in a dress;
With Richard Dandelion on Crusade tours,
a miracle brought the Spanish great success.
Moses became El Cid to beat the Moores.
Robin hood was a pheasant plucker’s son,
plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucking’s done.