Thread: Inbetween times
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Unread 10-19-2019, 10:52 PM
Mary Meriam's Avatar
Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: usa
Posts: 7,311

Hi Matt, I think Jim's revamp is terrific. I find the discrete sections with asterisks slow the poem down more than it warrants. Though they're very interesting, the sections aren't haiku-ish enough to be read that slowly. But as one long swoop, the poem gains a lot of energy. I like the way Jim re-ordered the sections, especially the songbird stanza. I don't like "nausea" - you don't need it. Your revision adding "His" to "night sweats" is perfect. I like these lines, but they're not in the right place in Jim's revamp:

The ache is in his muscles, not his bones.
And also in his bones.

So it could end like this:

His night sweats
like a midnight tide
saline, creeping, wet

as if some great river had poured
for seven years into a fissure
in the earth, until that river
had dwindled to a stream,
that,he would say,
is how itís been,

if someone were to ask him,
but they don't.
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