Thread: In Vino Veritas
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Unread 07-21-2019, 06:46 PM
Ashley Bowen Ashley Bowen is offline
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 527

The craft here is admirable. You're working with sound in a traditional way that is appropriate to this form.

And I suppose my chief thought is that I wonder if the form is holding this back. Right now, I think the pace is a bit sluggish, and I wonder if this could be rewritten in couplets. A major overhaul, to be sure. And this could be complete heresy to this project, but I wonder if this could improve the pacing:

The annual dinner was nearly over;
but one at the table was still sober:

Not Arthur the uncle who eighteen months ago
Was O’Reilly there ? We’ll never know.

Not cousin Millicent, said to woo
the butcher, the baker as well as the crew.

Not older brother whose wife agreed
she'd married a drunken pay-no-heed.

Not Aunty Molly reduced to sobs
hearing she was really Uncle's Rob's.

The cupboard is open with skeletons out,
each year they escape. The louder they shout.

I obviously didn't have suggestions for every line, but you see the point that I hope that I'm making. I know this edit is incredibly insensitive to the care that when into your draft. Please don't hate me.

At any rate, there's much joy and enthusiasm in this piece that I fear is being choked off by the form.

Best wishes moving forward with this. I'm really interested in seeing where you take this.
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