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Unread 07-14-2019, 02:37 PM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is offline
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,343

Dude (if I may),

I like this a lot. I won't nit-pick the meter. I am uncomfortable with the editorializing ("spellbound"). Also, "also" is filler in line 8 after the conjunction "and" (which would be better as the adversative conjunction "but").

I respect your desire to do something new with the "tongue" but it is explicitly "shattered" or "broken" (check the Homeric parallels--like a sword breaking into shards).

Also, "fine" is not a helpful qualifier for the "fires." What are they? "Subtle"? "Tingling"? Not just "fine."

I would prefer "lyre" to "lute". Why introduce the Medieval/Renaissance to this already complex poem?

Also, what's up with "when once"? Just pick one.

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 07-14-2019 at 02:44 PM.
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