View Single Post
  #6  
Unread 07-17-2019, 08:37 AM
Jake Sheff Jake Sheff is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 265
Default

Aaron,

Thank you for the helpful feedback. I'm still unsure about the "it all goes. According to plan" portion, so I'm grateful to know your preference.

I think, perhaps, the opening lines confuse if not reading the title as their beginning? It's why I included the comma (which I was also unsure of).

A. Sterling,

Appreciate the comments. I was imagining "red shadows...like a shave" to imply the bleeding that can result from shaving.

I think a reader can plausibly say, "a bulb can seem to burn out briefly," whereby it buzzes back to life after a momentary dark -- but I'm unsure about this line also, so appreciate your attention to it.

I look forward to your future comments, if you have time to come back.

R. Nemo,

I'm really honored by the kind words. Doubly so for the time you took to mention particular parts that worked well, and how.

After my last two pieces, I really tried taking a lot of the feedback I'd gotten from Erato members and put them to use in this poem. So credit is due to the community here for many of the strengths you pointed out.

I'm hoping future pieces continue to reflect the lessons learned so far. And I appreciate you showing me where this was effective

Andrew,

My comments to R. Nemo above would apply to you as well. You've been frank with your criticism, but it's been consistently constructive. A lot of what you see working here came about from suggestions and observations you've offered me recently, so thank you

You pointed out a couple areas I'm still thinking about as well -- the sudden change to first-person at the end and the punctuation in S4.

Do you think even a comma would suffice (in place of the semi-colon)? My intention was for that opening clause to modify "screen." But this might be an instance where no choice would be the obviously correct one (or where none would be blatantly wrong), in which case I like your thought about the punctuation mimicking a screen...

Best,
Jake
Reply With Quote