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Unread 01-17-2018, 10:45 AM
Woody Long's Avatar
Woody Long Woody Long is offline
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Arlington, Virginia
Posts: 1,391

For me, the poem is effective despite itself. The image is strong & the poem communicates primal emotion. But i stumble on some of the rhymes & word choices (some seem rhyme forced). The poem's dark effectiveness for me makes me hope it's not some kind of subtle parody.

S1L5 - rhymes on on - Read aloud, this is no problem. On the page, among end stopped strong rhymes it forces too much emphasis on the word on.

S2L5 - and through a human brain - brain is misused - hate etc. can run through a mind, not through a brain. Rhyme forced.

S5L5 - And thinks: when I am dung, - rhyme forced

The poem might do better without S5. The point that despair, hate, etc. ring down the ages has already been made. It would be better, I think, to end with the effect on the scholar.

I think I will probably remember the image of the scholar and the bone.

Cross posted with Julie.

— Woody
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