Thread: Kayaking
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Unread 08-15-2019, 03:32 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Location: Lazio, Italy
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Andrew,

I basically like this poem but some of it feels forced or incongruent.

For one thing, I don’t see how the earth undulates if it’s sped up a billion times—wouldn’t it shatter/scatter in the centifuge? If you substitute “the earth” with “terrain,” it might be more immediate and plausible. I also think that “liquid-slate is billowing like terrain” could be better, if only to drop “just” (which seems fillerish).

And shadows saluting their primes, which I take it refers to them facing the trees that cast them onto the surface of the water, might be made easier to picture and therefore less gratuitous by adding a reference to trees (if I’m right about what you’re getting at there).

In S2, I don’t find it credible that the skeptical/postmodern N would be sensing cosmological/invisible spheres/wheels.

And I’m with those who find “bait” at the end to feel off the mark. Would “fate” be a good substitute?

Happy kayaking,

Andrew
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