Yay, I like your revisions.
Here's more of a question: is the "heart aflutter" translation too easy? Translators tend to knee-jerk to that idiom. I think what the Greek says is much stronger: you make me feel like I am having a fucking heart attack! The symptomology of the poem is more in keeping with a panic attack.
Also, "bosom," really? You're going to use the word "bosom" here in the 21st century?