That's less effusive - and better - but the two halves of the song are still notably different, don't work together. Howzabout something like this (except for sing-song I basically used your words - but less of them.) It didn't really work at first because S1 had seven lines and S2 nine - but then I moved "sea slushy slow" to S1 and whored the line a bit - and now the image works, but the poem is forced. Oh well. Maybe it will give you some ideas.
I
thaw
tonight
excavate
relic bones
dug from dunes
sea slushy slower
staccato sing-song:
snow topped sand
stiff dune grass
spume waves
sky fog gray
white sun
ice wind
and
I
(Added in): Reverse the order of the two stanzas and it may work better. Maybe.
Last edited by Michael Cantor; 03-03-2024 at 11:52 PM.
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