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Unread 07-29-2019, 11:08 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 3,407

Hi Aaron,

I'm just looking at the first of these for now, and struggling to find nits. I did find one though, so I'll try to make the most of it.

He doesn’t want to be around tomorrow
and have to deal with his investors’ anger
when they discover their accounts are drained.

The second line here feels padded and somewhat weak or bland (possibly as a consequence of seeming padded). I say 'padded' because "to have to deal with" replaces the expected and briefer "to face". And I'm not sure how he could end the day with that "dealt with". Maybe he'd end it in custody though.

Also is 'anger' a full rhyme with 'hanger' in the US? The internet suggests not (in some parts of Northern England, it would be, but not in RP). Maybe 'rage' would be a better/stronger end-word than 'anger', given what he's done? Or even something like "to face the rage of those that he has burned" (conned, fooled).

If I get time I'll come back at look more closely at the rest of them. I enjoyed all three though, and I'm looking forward to the next instalment ...


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