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Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
I don’t necessary object to “oft” (which you have in line 2), but where it seems like an easy solution where others were possible, I view it skeptically. For instance, “I used to turn to my old lyre” might keep a more felt sense of Pushkin’s turning to his medium, poetry, to write about what he was feeling/thinking. “Commended to my lyre” is an awfully stuffy thing for a poet to say about his poetry, especially a poet as great as P.
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My first version was “oft entrusted.” For the moment, I’m trying out “oft confided,” though “often trusted” would be a de-archaicized option.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
In the same stanza “passions and desire” are rather redundant, and laziness or sloth is left out. I think “passions” could go to get that back in.
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I tried to sneak Pushkin’s “laziness” back in with “idle.” Another word, as far as I know, is used for the sin of sloth.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
In S2, the inverted word order of “voice exalted” is really distracting, and makes P. sound stuffy rather than romantic and passionate. I’d fix it.
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A fix is in place. See what you think.
UPDATE: Hmmm, marginally better, but one inversion for another isn’t much of a fix. Needs more thought.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
S3 reads nicely, but a couple of tweaks would be good in my opinion. “Unlooked-for tears” is a bit of clunky expression. Is a better one available? “Fragrant speeches” would sound warmer and more heartfelt as “Fragrant speaking” (speeches evoke political campaigns, etc.).
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I don’t know about “unlooked-for,” but I’ve reverted to my previous “fragrant words would.”
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
In S4L4, change “the dreams” to “my dreams”?
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I tried it just now and don’t think I like “my” appearing in three consecutive lines when there’s not even one “my” in the original lines. (That’s not always a good argument, because possessives are more easily omitted in Russian.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
In S5L2, “of vanity” leaves out “worldly” so could refer to P. liking himself in the mirror. How about “of worldly pomp” or “of worldly cares”?
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I see what you mean, but I’m reluctant to replace “vanity” in order to sneak back in an adjective that’s fairly obvious. For now, I’ve made it plural. Does that help?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andrew Frisardi
I agree with your friend about “beyond bearing” for metrical reasons, but also because the phrase felt forced anyway (and so does his), shoehorned in for syllable count. Would this work?
Burdened with a heart that’s barren,
mind without a use or aim:
this is more than I can bear in
life’s monotonous refrain.
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That leaves out “wearied/oppressed by melancholy/ennui” altogether, though it captures the mood well enough. I’ll think on it.
Many thanks, Andrew, for your provocative and productive criticism!