Still pretty rough, Lance, with lots of straining after rhyme. In S1, I really feel you need to rethink the 'evidence/prince' rhyme. You have a convoluted first sentence where the French is straightforward and clear. Though you lose the repetition of 'justement' in S1 you still have 6 beats in line 3. "Weaponed mockers" is odd and strained--why not just "mocking soldiers?" "Covering" is quite vague and fails to anticipate the appearance of the "cloak" at the end.
S2 strikes me as now the most successful part of the revision, though I would suggest 'a thousand tears will pour forth to imbue' for line 7. The rhymes here are good and do not feel strained. The only question I have is whether you diverge too far from the meaning of the original in line 6.
In S3 why make "hues" plural? "Show" I suppose is okay though something more like 'represents' or 'images' or 'figures' would be preferable for meaning's sake. The meter is awkward in line 10 with "as you lie" and "the Father chose" is all wrong for 'par le Pere attaches.' I would cut the "And" at the start of line 11. I'm not sure I'm fond of the change from "crimes" to "penalty" though it is true that Christ bore both.
In the last stanza I am not sure you should spell out 'heraldry'--it was a great insight by Don but the pun on 'abyss' is valid in both languages. Metrically I would prefer "I pray" for "I beg you" in line 12. Finally, I don't think "enfleshed repose" is going to cut it. That comes rather out of nowhere and falls flat. I would really suggest you allow yourself three rhyme sounds rather than two in the sestet here.
In general, the French is bloody, yes, but it also has a straightforwardness and elegance your version has yet to achieve. At times the strain shows through in vagueness of expression (e.g., lines 1, 10, 14), at others in metrical roughness (line 3 & 10-14). Version 2 is definitely better than 1 but I still think it has a long way to go.
Chris
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