Thread: Hard Winter
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Unread 03-24-2003, 06:57 PM
nyctom nyctom is offline
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Location: New York, NY USA
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Sure--switch the first two quatrains and rewrite the taxi line. It isn't integral that she is waiting for a cab, and that would free up a line to connect the weather trope to the hard life trope more securely:

Hard Winter

She got a call, she tells me, from the vet,
Saying the cat is not responding well.
Though she speaks calmly, clearly she’s upset,
And clearly there’s too much she wants to tell.
People call this kind of woman strong.
The weather of her life has not been fair;
Her face shows she’s been out in it too long.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX cold air.
“She sleeps in my bed. I...”––she’s nearing tears––
“Undo my shirt and hold her to my breast.
We’ve lived together now eleven years.”
I wince to hear such loneliness expressed.
And God forbid that I speak honestly:
“Turn, and look away. You frighten me.”

Perhaps, "much more" in line 4 instead of "too much"--I wonder if that "too much" is a bit overtelegraphing of intent. Also, while I like what the last two lines say in terms of content (the honesty there has tremendous depth and resonance), I wonder if there is a more graceful way of saying it. That is more a case for the pentultimate line than the last line. I just found that couplet awkward--it flails the poem across the finish line rather than snaps that tape cleanly.

Tom
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