View Single Post
  #6  
Unread 11-25-2011, 09:15 AM
Adam Elgar Adam Elgar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 3,954
Default

More fine Ceppede, Lance, and a strong start to translating a difficult poem. We're all very grateful for your introducing us to him.

To show that the mantlers are the mocking soldiers, Line 3 could become
“is mantled by his mockers--a just thing,”
This also regularizes the metre.

In line 4 I’d suggest trying to keep some of the pounding force of “both... and ...”
Reading glorious as two syllables you could have
“it tells the world he’s glorious, and a prince.” Would that work for you?

For the vexatious “purple” could you have “blood-red”?

I think we have to take “jus” as literally as we do on French menus. He may be punning on “ius” but I think, like Don, that you need to emphasise the gore. The subject is precious juice.

Line 8 is a problem. I don’t think there can be any Carmelites here. Why would they be lower case? Though I’m at a loss to define “carmes” any other way. The poet will drench the “carmes” in blood drawn from his eyes. I don’t see a reference to ancestors or time.

Brilliant note by Don about heraldry – I’d never have got that.
Reply With Quote