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Unread 12-04-2011, 04:04 PM
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Chris Childers Chris Childers is offline
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Hi Lance,

I certainly agree with the others that this is moving in the right direction, but still isn't quite there yet. I don't care for ll.3-4; "buffoon" is a stretch & the repetition of "mockery" in l.4 has no parallel in the French. While I don't mind "blazonry" per se it may be, as someone else has said, that you need a new rhyme. Anyway further work is called for in S1.

In S3, "at our origin" is a stretch, both metrically (6 beats) and in the interpolated meaning; "the Father has attached to this Lamb's side" was a better line, though "side" posed a rhyme problem--maybe give yourself three rhymes for the sestet?

I agree with the others that you ought not to mention "heraldry" in S4, and that your last line is still rather convoluted--I second Edward's suggestion. Excelsior!

Chris

PS.: Since Susan has come clean, I will admit to having done my own version as well.
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