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Unread 12-02-2011, 12:40 PM
Adam Elgar Adam Elgar is offline
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This noble enterprise is coming on well, Lance. Still some struggles to be had, but I’m more than happy with the second quatrain, and with most of the first tercet.

In line 9, I don’t understand the change to “reveals” (which disrupts the metre) from “show” (which didn’t). Either singular or plural “hue” is fine by me, so with “show” or “shows” this tercet is done.

There’s probably no way around “abyss” if it’s a technical term in heraldry. A footnote seems unavoidable.
As for what it does, I don’t think you can justify “speak” since there’s no equivalent in the original. Is there some other impact the heraldic sign can have?

The “bloody coat” doesn’t scan well, and the repeated use of “side” for the rhyme is unconvincing. I suppose you could use “hide”again, this time as noun, in a rhyme riche. Such a concrete, unglamorous word would probably fit the mindset of the poet, and its shock value is fitting. Ceppede’s own rhyme is strange. I take it that “-er” endings of verbs rhymed with “-air” back then. Either way, you have the poet’s licence to use three rhyming pairs, if that makes your life any easier. Stampa and Foscolo sometimes do that, and I jump at the opportunity.

The first quatrain remains a problem, but I think you’re nearly there. It’s really the scansion of lines 3-4 that needs sorting out, although I wonder if Jesus can be “fashioned” by the soldiers? They merely confirm his pre-existent royalty.
For line 4 maybe
“a glorious prince, ennobling mockery.”
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