I really like this too, John. It seems like a brimming frozen moment (although I know there's movement in it). My first reading was of your revision, and your new last line worked very nicely for me there.
Your details are well chosen.
Just a quick word from our correspondent at Pedants' Corner: I'm assuming "panning" should be "planning". Not an over-bold assumption, I'd have thought.
But a lovely poem anyway.
Cheers
David
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