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Unread 05-15-2020, 01:28 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 8,520

Clive, here are a few thoughts. I'm not sure what you gain by describing hatred as "blank." The meter might work more smoothly if "within" were "in" in S2L1 and if you removed the "a" before "slow decay" in S2L2. I notice that you suppressed the ribbons and added "gold" before "rings" in the list. Maybe something trivial and perishable like ribbons provides a contrast to the more permanent things in the list, pointing out the jumble of objects included in the sarcophagus. Your parenthetical comment in S3 seems to diverge pretty far from the German. This mysterious brain--is it supposed to be a person's or a god's? In the German, it sounds as though the water is led down from the aqueducts into the sarcophagi, not that the sarcophagi are now part of the aqueducts themselves. I had pictured the fancy sarcophagi being used as troughs to receive the water at the end of its course. Certainly, in his European travels Rilke was likely to have seen fancy estates in which sarcophagi were used as decorative fountain receptacles. If the water was rapidly moving, I don't see it as reflecting as much, though you also seem to have removed the reflecting from the last line.

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