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Unread 01-27-2020, 08:51 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
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Hi Jim,

I think you've come very close to distilling the essence of this one, and I really like what you've got it down to.

The N seems to be in a fallow period, a winter in the psychological/metaphorical sense as as well as literal. At first I thought the request to the Host was to be that the N might cease to be a vampire -- to start sleeping nights -- until spring arrives, but perhaps not, as the sleeping seems to include afternoons too (though see below on parsing this part). So maybe just to sleep through the fallow/winter period.

I wonder about "adrift" and "sail" together. They seem contradictory. Can you be adrift and sail? (Sailing also seems rather active for a sleeping, comatose being). Though perhaps contradiction is your intention?

I find what follows "push me" a little hard to parse, so maybe a judicious comma might help. It might be that you intend:

until my cells distill into sleeping {through nights and under camphorous white noon suns}, keeping comatose this gusty gray day in January.

i.e., the N sleeps both through nights and under white noon suns. Or it might be that you intend:

until my cells distill into sleeping through nights and, under camphorous white noon suns, keeping comatose this gusty gray day in January.

i.e., the N sleeps though nights and keeps comatose under white noon suns. Or maybe I'm misreading your intention altogether.

The first sentence might also be overlong -- or perhaps just seemed so because I found it hard to parse the part just mentioned. Either way, and you might consider starting a new sentence with "push me", which might also give more force to "push me" -- give it more of a push ...

Not necessarily a good idea, but I misread "palate" for "plate" and then wondered whether it was worth considering.

best,

Matt
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