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Unread 08-23-2019, 01:28 PM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
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Ralph,

Many thanks for your comments. I'm glad you liked it. Fiction is something I'd like to write more of but struggle with, and what I do occasionally write is very short, like this piece.

I see what you mean about the 3rd paragraph. Because it's flashback and I want to show three different scenes, so I went with the present continuous. This is happening. Now this is happening. I'm not sure if quite works if I change it to simple present, or not all of it. Certainly "Frank shouts" implies a single shout, where Frank is shouting doesn't. Similarly, I want to show him in the process of filling the whole, and during this he winces because his hand is hurting from punching the wall. (I hope it's clear why he winces? I'd had "swollen hand", but thought it better to leave that to the reader to work out). There is one sentence I can change, as below:

He is red-faced and shouting, his breath a cloud of alcohol and spittle. A pot of chicken stew simmers on the stove. She jumps back as he sweeps it off the cooker, flinches as he smashes his fist into the wall, cries out as she turns and slips and smashes her hip into the corner of the kitchen table. Now it’s the next morning, and Frank is filling the hole in the wall with plaster. He winces as his hand manoeuvres the trowel, smoothing everything over. Later still, and the smell of fresh paint mingles with the scent of the roses that fill the vase on the kitchen table. The wall is almost as good as new.

Does that seem any better? Though maybe then it's not wholly clear she's cooking and not him (gender stereotypes aside).

Thanks for the typo. I've also changed 'dent' in para 2 to 'hole' as I've overused 'dent', I think. I'm also wondering if I need to say that her tea is cold in para 1, since I also say so in para 3.

Thanks again,

Matt

Last edited by Matt Q; 08-23-2019 at 01:30 PM.
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