I find the first sentence too involved. I stay too focused on the "someone gone" anticipating the poem will have more to do with that someone being gone. The accretion of information may reflect the activity of the children, but it's hard getting my footing on entry.
Also, the work "pall" is a put-off. Not one that is commonly used in speech (this may be a New Jersey perspective, but there you have it. ~,:^) Also--is it the right word?
I love the idea of the sonnet--the chance we are constantly give to break from the anxiety of existence and the difficulty we have taking advantage of it. Once into it, it's very effective.
Last edited by Rick Mullin; 05-21-2019 at 02:50 PM.