Thread: Reversability
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Unread 03-04-2021, 01:47 PM
conny conny is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 1,843
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hi. sorry for the delay.

i like it very much. I'm a big fan of Thomas Hardy so get
sucked into this kind of thing straight away.

shower should maybe be showers,

my only real nits i think would be self-same, which is a bit
too hardy-esque imo. and the last line, again sounds off
key to me.

the rest i think is great.


.................................................. .....................................
Quote:
Originally Posted by Golias View Post
Hello again Conny
,
Followjng your method I think I have been able to rescue the poem for which I could not come up with a goo last line.
The penultimate line was

"Dear only child of ours"
then????to rhyme with play. day, etc.

I dropped that line and moved the rest of the original last stanza to be a middle quatrain as follows ( I hope discussion of other problem poems is allowed by the deep end rules)

Maņananitas Tristes
.
Ellen, are you sleeping
on this your natal day,
a holiday for keeping,
although the dawn is gray,
and rain is slowly seeping
into the shoveled clay.

When you were born all flowers
were born the self-same day.
This morning icy shower
on wreathes of lilies play.

If fate were reconciled
to fair, or reason seen,
Sunday's laughing child
this morning would have been,
when heaven woke and smiled,
a lady full sixteen.

I hope it works. The title means Sad Morning.
What do you think?. Is the closing strong enough?. It seems so to me but then I am perhaps too much involved to judge. None of my autobiographical poems are for general publication, but possibly one of my great grandchildren might think differently, so I want to make them as good as I can. Are you publishing as you go now?

Wiley
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