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Unread 05-28-2019, 04:29 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Location: Boston, MA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt Q View Post
They flee from me (Valentine’s night special)

Well, perhaps it is unwise to,
but I’m planning to surprise you,
because today’s a very special day.

Now I’m pacing in the dark
while I’m waiting in the park;
I know you like to walk from work this way.

And it’s true I do feel nervous,
still, there’s no one to observe us,
and I’ve cleaned my teeth and shaved and had a bath.

And I’m sure it will go fine;
I just need my opening line.
No time to waste: you’re walking down the path.

Now I don’t want to blow it
So I pick my favourite poet:
Sir Thomas Wyatt. Now I cannot miss!

Well it’s too late to change tack,
so I open up my mac,
and speak the words: ‘dear heart, how like you this?’


----
Apparently Americans aren't familiar with the word "mac". It's a Mackintosh -- a full-length raincoat.
Matt,

Don't know how I didn't see this two years ago. This is great fun and would almost certainly get picked up by Melissa Balmain's Light, and probably others, if you were to send it out in the lead-up to next year's Valentine's Day.

Two nits (not that you asked):
and I’ve cleaned my teeth and shaved and had a bath.
The "and" breaks the rhythm and this piece needs a perfect rhythm. I'd cut it and change the punctuation leading in.

The first two lines are trochaic tetrameter, and that pairs well with the pent that ends the stanzas. But this is trimeter: "Now I don’t want to blow it." If you want the meter the same, just uncontract "don't."

Anyway, this was fun.
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