Thread: The Writher
View Single Post
Old 07-16-2018, 07:32 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 2,738

Hi Aaron,

This is nicely done and vividly drawn. I see the N unsettled, experiencing a state of anxiety, self-doubt, restlessness or some combination thereof. I take it this is attributable to the "reptile brain" (saurian - bald as lizard). I like that it's described as porn: as an inner show, it arouses and titillates and it's hard to drag ourselves away from it.

S1L4 I read as "mocking my state of mind at the same time as creating it", but had to read it twice. I think because "mocking" can be used without an object, so I could read the original as "mocking (me or in general) while making the state of my mind" rather than "mocking the state of my mind while simultaneously making it". Assuming I read it right, it might be clearer as

making and mocking the state of my mind.

which makes it clear that that mocking has an object.

At the risk of being overly literal, mocking seems a bit more neo-cortex than reptilian. Still, the mocking can be in the eye of the observing N.

In S1, I wonder if there's a way to avoid trailing "this evening" onto the next line, and getting something more end-stopped. What about:

Lither than ever, the freak in my slime
is doing a clever pantomime.
This evening, shaking its hips and behind,
it makes and it mocks the state of my mind.

OK, that may not be great. Alternatively, do you need "this evening"? If you kept L1&2 as above, "is doing" very much has it happening "now", and you'd have a foot or so to play with.

To avoid (and you may not want to) the repetition of "lizard" in S2L2, you might consider the nicely assonant "chicken-skinned" -- though perhaps the association of chicken with cowardice speaks against this.

I'm not clear how S4L4 provides the answer to anything. It reads more like a re-description of that which needs explaining. That's not a big nit, and I do like the line. I guess it could be "How to answer / the sexless sexless sex of a saurian dancer?"



Last edited by Matt Q; 07-16-2018 at 07:35 AM.
Reply With Quote