Thread: Gods Factotum
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Unread 07-13-2019, 03:48 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Jim,

'There are no visions wherein He appears
she ensures all apparitions now are Marian,
He’s not performed a miracle in years,
she queries new saints proof to the Contrarian.'

I'm not sure the fix does it. You're using 'Marian' as an adjective meaning 'relating to the Virgin Mary', as in 'Marian Devotions', but it's also a fairly common first name. I think a lot of readers would immediately connect it to the latter and possibly be confused. I also think the fourth line here is clumsy, because it's trying to squeeze too much information into one line: a whole separate idea about canonising saints. Maybe you could stick with the 'miracles' idea from the previous line and strengthen the 'Mary/quite contrary' echo by actually using the word 'quite', which could be quite fun. Something like..

There are no visions wherein He appears
she ensures all apparitions now are Mary.
He’s not performed a miracle in years,
since skeptics needing 'proof' prove quite contrary.
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