Thread: Arundel
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Old 07-25-2018, 03:52 PM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is online now
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Location: Boston, MA
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Julie and Susan,

Thanks for your thoughts here. A new draft is up addressing some of your concerns.

Julie, I've taken your suggestion on "a way to freeze." I hadn't fully considered the repetition there. Further, in bringing the rhyme in line with those of S2, the gets closer a little closer to the feel.

I'm also thinking on a way to lose "all," though I think it can work as it is (I see it as the first metaphor, before the poem jumps to its bigger one), it may be better to with something less restrictive.

On "while" and "can't," I'm still considering. They may appear in a subsequent draft.

Susan, while I think S2L1 is 4 beats, you're right on S2L2, no matter how much I wanted to be wrong. I wanted to direct address, but can't make it work. To rectify that, I added "Flora" to the title. I don't know if that works better.

I do match the lines syllable to syllable, and shrink it in the shorter lines (7 syllables in the Latin to 4 in the English). I don't know if you were thinking 3-beats might be better. I spent some time experimenting with 3-3-2 lines.
Cold holds tight, but my mind,
blind to time, canít find
.....a way to freeze.
Winterís flipped sea on its head,
but my anchor holds seabed
.....and wonít release.

Cruel Fate forced me away,
from the safety of your bay.
.....The shoaly seas
and dangers do not have
the strength to hold meóyou gave
.....your favorís breeze.

My prow facing waves, I advance
.....into the seaís expanseÖ
I don't know if people like that better.
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