Thread: Rough
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Unread 09-13-2019, 12:16 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Location: Boston, MA
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Hi Matt,

I wish this board (Prose) were more robust. Perhaps we could inject some excitement with a contest -- Though that would likely break some rule I've forgotten...

I like this piece; just a couple thoughts:.

P1:
The clock on the wall behind her ticks the passing of time, but she does not hear it.

Though the piece is very much about time and shifts from present to past and back to present, I don't know that you need the phrase "the passing of time". Without it the sentence sounds balanced: The clock on the wall behind her ticks, but she does not hear it.


P2 conjoins the flashback with the present and then "later still". I think this sentence:

Later still, and the smell of fresh paint mingles with the scent of the roses that fill the vase on the kitchen table.

reads more smoothly without the "and", though not sure about that...


P3: The metaphoric quality of the patch is great in this sentence: "Her eyes return to the patch of wall and she watches the sunlight play over its surface. One moment the light catches it and every ridge and bump casts a shadow; the next, the patch is in shade, almost invisible."

It captures the turmoil that the woman is coping with.

Is there more to come?
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