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Unread 02-17-2020, 06:16 AM
Matt Q Matt Q is online now
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: England, UK
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Hi

I had similar thoughts to Mark about cutting unnecessary stanzas. You might also cut your current S5 (Mark's S2) because the creepy thoughts and doubts named there are then set out in detail in the two stanzas that immediately follow, and then "angst and inner strife" are mentioned afterward that, which overall makes that stanza seem a bit redundant. A "but" at the start of your S6 (Mark's S3) might be needed though, so that the poem would open:

I heard about an open mike –
a venue that was new.
I’d have a chance to sparkle there,
to make a grand debut.

But what if nobody likes me?
What if no poet responds?
What if the mob tries to strike me
with eggs and tomatoes and yawns?

[...]

In fact you might possibly make it more overwrought/anxious sounding and more clearly anapaestic with something like this:

But what if nobody likes me?
Or what if no poet responds?
And what if the mob tries to strike me
with eggs and tomatoes and yawns?

Oh, what if the crowd is indifferent
or if they inflict icy stares?
And what if they hint I go elsewhere
to peddle my poetic wares?

Finally, L2 of the second of these stanza breaks the "what if" pattern of the two stanzas. So maybe:

Oh, what if the crowd is indifferent?
What if they inflict icy stares?


best,

Matt
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