I found this amusing, but like others, thought a shorter version would be more effective.
S1 L4 - definitely find an alternative to "crash and burn" to avoid the cliche.
S5 L2 "slank" strikes me as archaic, and so does not fit well with the rest of the language
S7 L3 - Here you refer to the crowd, but there is only one crowd, so "they" doesn't work. Changing it would throw off the rhythm however...
Thanks for sharing this.