[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

REVISION ONE

Desdichado

Nestled in the leaf-fall, he would sleep in the shade.
he dreamed of trees beyond the dreams of night,
waking, he would consider the canopy,
the sway and creak of bough, branch and twig,
the susurration of needle and leaf,
he’d breathe redolent air
filled with scents of tree and earth,
he’d feel it flood into his every pore,
he’d breathe magic into his brain,
and claw hungry hands into the tilth,
he’d imagine moisture and nutrient
seeping up through his nails, and finger joints,
he fed on decay and on rotting self
inexorably slow-drawn up to the sun,
he thinned, his hair, beard and nails went wild,
his hair and beard fed on sunlight,
bark-fall, his clothing cleared his skin,
his muscles lengthened and grew,
he stood tall, firmly rooted to the ground,
he strained to feel faint tremors of tree-speech,
that deep wave of sound that spoke in centuries,
his toes clawed and twisted into the soil,
he could feel his toes dig deep and crack rock
at last he was as one with the earth.

The people came and circled him.
They laughed and laughed and poked and prodded.
Then one grabbed a fallen branch, aped a tree feller
(jealous of the man’s serenity)
and swung the branch like an axe
chopping down on his calf
The people laughed he chopped again and again.
Capillaries squeezed down,
shrank down,
choking into die-back.
The man felt his grip on ground begin to break.
He fell into laughter and clear-fall
where nothing lived.





Desdichado,

He dreamed of trees beyond the dreams of night.
He clawed hungry hands deep into the tilth.
He imagined moisture and nutrient
slug-sucking up through his nails, and finger joints.
He fed on decay and on rotting self.
Inexorably slow-drawn up to the sun
he stood tall, firmly rooted to the ground.
He strained to feel the tremors of tree-speech,
that deep wave of sound that spoke in centuries.
His toes clawed and twisted into the soil.
He felt glorious.
The people gathered and circled him
they poked and prodded,
then jealous of the man’s serenity
they struck him
and struck again and again.
Capillaries squeezed down,
shrank down,
choking into die-back.
He felt his grip on ground begin to break.
He fell into clear-fall
where nothing lived.


(“Desdichado” from Scott’s ‘Ivanhoe’ a device, meaning uprooted)

[Trevor Conway]

Hi Jan,

I enjoyed some phrases here, such as the tremors of tree-speech, the wave of sound that spoke in centuries and capillaries squeezed down. As regards what the poem is about, I'm not sure if I got it all, but it seemed to be about a character who lived in nature, then was attacked and killed by a mob. Overall, I think the language isn't engaging enough. One aspect of it is the repetition of "he". I think you could make the language more fragmented, and maybe you could add some stanza breaks to give more of a sense of development.

I don't think there's any need to give the title again as the first line of the poem.

Some specific feedback below. I hope it helps.

All the best,

Trevor

Desdichado, [bold = suggested deletion]

He dreamed of trees beyond the dreams of night. [The dreams of night sounds stage-poetic to me]
He clawed hungry hands deep into the tilth. [Any better alternative to hungry?]
He imagined moisture and nutrient[s]
slug-sucking up through his nails, and finger joints.

[Stanza break]

He fed on decay and on rotting self.
Inexorably slow-drawn up to the sun
he stood tall, firmly rooted to the ground. [,]
He strained to feel the tremors of tree-speech,
that [a] deep wave of sound that spoke in centuries.

[Stanza break]

His toes clawed and twisted into the soil.
He felt glorious.
[as] The people gathered[,] and circled round him[.]
[T]hey poked and prodded,
then jealous of the man’s serenity[.]
[T]hey struck him
and struck again and again.
[until his c]apillaries squeezed down,
shrank down,
choking into die-back. [into the depths of his flesh].
He felt his grip on [the] ground begin to break.
He [and] fell into [the] clear[.] -fall
where nothing lived.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thanks Trevor for dropping by.

The annaphora although faint is meant giving the rhythm that I want.

It is about someone aspiring to the obviously unattainable yet finding the impossible inside himself. It is also the behaviour of the crowd to the different in amongst a couple of other things. It is about the futility of anti logging fighting against big business. One can become the problem and lose perspective.

It is crafted purposely without stanzas and cannot see a rationale for making the language here ‘fragmented’.

I have repeated the title and added the footnote because it does not come up in some searches and being ‘Uprooted’ is apposite.

I appreciate the effort you have put into commenting but I feel your feedback is somewhat arbitrary.

‘clear fall’ is what is left after the woodchippers go through.

I thank you for your time.

Regards

Jan

[Julie Steiner]

His suit of armour was formed of steel, richly inlaid with gold, and the device on his shield was a young oak-tree pulled up by the roots, with the Spanish word Desdichado, signifying Disinherited.

The symbol (device) shows an uprooted tree, but the Spanish word "Desdichado" literally means "unfortunate." Perhaps your note could clarify that.

I like this very much:

     that deep wave of sound that spoke in centuries.

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thanks Julie,

I cannot remember, it has been far too long ago, but I had the feeling at some point in the text the device itself was said to mean uprooted.

The language of the Ent.

Regards

Jan

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jan,

Following up on Julie's comment, "desdichado" is also the Spanish for "poor wretch" or "unfortunate one" - someone who is very unhappy or unlucky, yet deserving of sympathy. This meaning resonates beautifully with your poem's trajectory from lush abundance to die-back and clear-fall.

I notice the poem's shape already begins to mirror this transition from fullness to sparseness. Perhaps you could further emphasize this visual element through more deliberate line breaks? The form would then reinforce your thematic movement.

One small suggestion: "serenity" toward the closing feels somewhat muted compared to your otherwise vivid imagery. Consider something more textured that echoes the earlier richness - perhaps "rootedness," "steadfastness," or another quality that makes their jealousy more pointed.

The forestry terms "die-back" and "clear-fall" provide powerful closure. This is already quite strong work.

Good luck with this, Jan!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

I hope I have addresses some of your concerns Alex. I have amplified rather extensively and hopefully clarified my intent.

Strengthening the etymology of ‘Desdichado’ works well. Thank you.

Regards

Jan

[Alex Pepple]

Hello, Jan,

I see you’ve expanded the narrative, making it more fluid and full-bodied. This enhances both clarity and immediacy, and the Desdichado theme now threads more poignantly through the piece. The imagery feels more immersive as a result.

If I had one main suggestion, it would be to tighten some areas and refine punctuation. Right now, the comma splices create a somewhat breathless effect—while poetic license allows for flexibility, I think some focus and variation in punctuation would make the rhythm even stronger.

For example, here’s how the opening lines might benefit from a slight reworking for flow and structure:

Desdichado

Nestled in the leaf-fall, he would sleep in the shade.
He dreamed of trees beyond the dreams of night,
waking, he would to consider the canopy,
the sway and creak of bough, branch, and twig,
the susurration of needle and leaf.
He’d breathe redolent air
filled with scents of tree and earth;
he’d feel it flood into his every pore,
he’d breathe the magic into his brain,
and claw hungry hands into the tilth.
He’d imagine moisture and nutrient
seeping up through his nails, and finger joints.
he Fed on decay and on rotting self
inexorably slow-drawn up to the sun,
he thinned, his hair, beard and nails went wild.
. . . . . . . . . . .

This adjusts the pacing slightly while making the punctuation smoother and the phrasing a little sharper. Of course, these are just suggestions to consider.

I hope you find something helpful here!

Cheers,
…Alex

[Jan Iwaszkiewicz]

Thank you Alex,

I am happy with the concept here but feel the vehicle of execution is wrong. I will let this be for a while and probably recast this metrically.

My thanks again Alex.