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Old 07-23-2018, 08:36 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Hi Julie,

I'm with Susan on "consume." My sense of the metaphor suggested by "gastar" is more like spent (money) or worn out/down (deteriorated like clothing). So, by that, I think "erase" is better, but making a different metaphor than what's there. "Time cannot wear out/down your reputation"?

It also means I'm not really digging "overflows." Part of the problem, for me, is that the last two lines tell Rome what Time can't do to it, and the metaphor is something like "Oblivion" is a room or a space, and Rome is too big for it. I get why "overflows" works for the image, but not for the tone. What about something like:

Time cannot wear down your reputation,
nor can your wreckage fit in obscurity.

I'd prefer a "within" instead of "in" but I couldn't make the meter work.
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Old 07-23-2018, 05:08 PM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hi Julie,

I've enjoyed discovering this sequence, of which I knew only the Du Bellay. Thank you!
Where you have "global sprawl", for ".....pues del mundo en la esfera te estrechaste", might you try "worldly sprawl"? I think it's less anachronistic, and it may capture some more of the religious (sub)text to this poem about Rome then and now.

Cheers,
John
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  #13  
Old 07-25-2018, 03:40 AM
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Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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Dear Susan, Andrew, and John,

Thanks so much for your comments on Draft 3. Draft 4 now posted above.

John, I don't think "global" for "esfera" (sphere) is anachronistic in the early eighteenth century. In this particular sonnet, Rome could be a metaphor for the troubled Spanish Empire.
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Old 07-25-2018, 04:11 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is offline
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Hmm. Yeah, I guess i still have Du Bellay in my head. Not sure about global in the early C18th, but i like your Spanish Empire point.

Cheers,
John
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Old 07-25-2018, 08:34 AM
Andrew Szilvasy Andrew Szilvasy is offline
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Julie,

I'm digging "the grind/of time" and think your fix for the last line is an improvement. I don't know about the "English-ness" of "fit...out of mind," but I can go with it ("Your wreck will never fully fit out of mind"? replace "fit" with "be").

I don't think I have any more nits: I think this is a strong poem that is a faithful rendition to the sounds and meanings of the original.
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