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Old 08-08-2018, 05:54 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
Posts: 14,155

It still seems a bit stiff to me.

Daphne’s arms were in the midst of growing
and—proof they'd turned to branches now—far-ranging. The syntax seems a bit odd here, and the concept of far-ranging proof isn't just not in the original but a bit odd in this context.
I saw the green leaves into which were changing I don't think "into which" followed by an inversion comes off very natural.
the tresses that till then outshone gold’s glowing. Maybe "before" or "had once" in place of "till then"?

…Rugged bark was gradually flowing Is it really a gradual process that's being described?
across the soft-skinned legs, which still were lunging.
Into the ground, the white feet started plunging,
contorting into roots while downward-going. "downward-going" isn't a very natural coinage, and also seems unnecessary since we've just been told that they were plunging roots, so where else would they plunge but downward?

…He—the cause of all this mutilation— I like "mutilation" as a description of this scene
so grieved, he forced this tree to grow, by way I think "forced" makes it sound too willful. Maybe just "caused", since I'm sure he didn't want it to happen
of all the tears that it was watered by. Make it "his tears"

…Oh massive woe, oh wretched situation,
that showing grief should make to grow, each day, Again, "cause" in place of "make"; and not just "showing grief", I think, but something more explicit, like "shedding tears"
the thing he grieved for, and the reason why!

Last edited by Roger Slater; 08-08-2018 at 06:44 PM.
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