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Old 08-16-2018, 08:36 AM
John Isbell John Isbell is online now
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: TX
Posts: 3,430

Hi John,

I posted a comment upthread, but that last long thoughtful comment was by Jim. :-)

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Old 08-16-2018, 11:20 AM
Stephen Hampton Stephen Hampton is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Jacksonville Florida USA
Posts: 302
Default Now I Know

[quote=John Riley;423538]Morgue

Dear John,

Try trimming something like this and use a different title.

A good story, but even in prose, one should be more concise. Wordiness will lose you readers, I'm thinking.


I stopped at the door and took a breath,
walked into the room—
My hands were outstretched
I didn't know what else to do with them
the nurse walked toward the scales
used to weigh new life as it explodes
in celebration of being free,
and there on the steel table wrapped
in butcher's paper---- the stillborn baby.

When I picked it up I felt its bones shift
The nurse whispered to me
“Its A girl” patted me kindly, saying
“Downstairs” which meant the morgue.
The woman on the bed cried ceaselessly
her wails shot up, I turned to the door.
I did not look her way, carrying her child
in my barely sober shaking hands,
I headed down the elevator,
one for nurses and doctors.

Now I know
regardless of how fast I walked
I am always there, in the white room
that ballooned inside me during
my long walk to the morgue.

"This may become a prose poem. If it does it will be the same words unless I change it at your suggestion. I'd like to know if it works for you regardless of how it's shaped on the page."
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Old 08-19-2018, 03:14 AM
John Riley John Riley is offline
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3,988

Thanks, Stephen. There is a lot of work waiting to be done on this one.
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