Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-23-2018, 04:48 PM
Martin Rocek's Avatar
Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY, USA
Posts: 4,172
Default

Susan,
this is really fine; my only slight objection is to the awkwardness in the last two lines of S2--the phrasing "what lasts forever as that which" needs work IMO. Here is an inadequate suggestion that might nudge you to something better:

They leave you, not fully part of either place,
not quite so dark as the silent house, not quite
conjuring the eternal with the sureness
as that which, turned to star, ascends each night.

Small tweaks to the sentence structure might give you more freedom to find a smoother rendition.

Thank you for the read, and I hope this little comment is some use!

Martin
p.s. I have been away a bit, and will be working my way backwards, so I hope you don't mind comments on your earlier translations.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-23-2018, 09:16 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 7,589
Default

Martin, I have tried altering S2L4 to see if it reads more smoothly that way. The idea is complex, so it is hard to express it in a way that does not become confusing.

Susan
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 7,927
Total Threads: 19,490
Total Posts: 251,813
There are 223 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online