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Old 08-25-2018, 07:30 AM
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Michael Ferris Michael Ferris is offline
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FWIW, I think you gain by losing Bryant.

I think it's a delightful read -- observant, ruminative, with something like a wistful wisdom.

My one suggestion is to lose the "Yes" in the penultimate line and start with the headless iamb. It's a mild suggestion, and I can't say exactly why I prefer it, but I do.

M
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Old 08-25-2018, 07:35 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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Aaron, I do like the revised without the first (original) stanza. But I, too, loved the lines,

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxHere, suffering is,
if not lessened, different, and that, at least, is something.


It would be nice to see them metrically re-calibrated and added to the end. I think it would be better than ending with a question. In fact, it is the answer to the question. I could be off on my thinking...
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  #13  
Old 08-25-2018, 08:07 AM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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I do like it without S1. Naturally, though, I miss this part:
the breeze is driving ghosts
through the leaves.
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  #14  
Old 08-25-2018, 08:36 AM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Michael, Jim, Mary, thanks for coming back. I am convinced to go with the shorter version of this poem, and to remember the first stanza fondly as a bit of scaffolding that can be tossed aside now that the true poem has been constructed.

Mary, I liked that image, too. Maybe it'll show up in another poem of mine down the road.

Michael, I'm going back and forth and that. The "yes" changes, somewhat, the tone with which the N addresses the speaker, and I'm not sure which is correct. I'll need to figure that out.

Jim, I've been playing around a bit with getting that thought back in, but no luck as yet.
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Old 08-25-2018, 11:48 AM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Aaron,

I reckon this has a good deal of promise. Starting right in then.

I think I might prefer ‘It mostly stands’ to ‘Mostly it stands,’ but as you wish. I fancy ‘Beneath the spattered stones, larvae are carving / out a soft existence.’ I appreciate the diction and imagery of this poem in especial.

Tthe story here is much the same’ gave me some pause for it sounds overly explicit; we rather literally explain to the audience than show them. Might there be another way to put that at least less explicit-sounding?

I am not keen certainly on ‘Crane flies’ without the article necessary to a singular noun. If you meant to get away without an article by meaning crane plural, though I do not much like it, you needs must conjugate for a plural noun as we do with people, thus people are. Lest the construction be equivalent of People flies: Either it is singluar—a or the crane flies—or pluaral—cranes fly. Not: Crane flies. That covers that.

I wonder about the introduction of ‘you’ at the tail-end of the poem, but I am not sure yet; so I am still thinking over it. Further, I wonder if the last few verses would be stronger not as a question. I might experiment with that possibility at least. If it were me, I might have substitutions with slightly less abundance, yet it does not bother me as is, to be sure, and it is your discretion. In the main, I enjoy reading this one!

Cheers,

Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 08-25-2018 at 12:35 PM.
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Old 08-25-2018, 12:00 PM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Erik, thanks. I will consider your comments as I revise. One quick note, though: a crane fly is a type of fly (see here). One can often see them flying, in their erratic way, around the turned-up roots of fallen trees. A crane would be a strange sight in a forest.
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Old 08-25-2018, 12:36 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is offline
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Aaron,

Thank goodness. Woods, I have known mashy glades and waterbodies cut through some; but, yes, Crane flies makes good sense, righto.

Cheers,
Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 08-25-2018 at 01:31 PM.
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