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Old 08-28-2018, 10:47 PM
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RCL RCL is offline
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Default Wind Words

Wasted Wind Words
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Last edited by RCL; 09-13-2018 at 08:29 PM.
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Old 08-29-2018, 11:07 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Ralph,

I'd consider opening the poem by exploiting right off the wordplay between wind-breath-spirit-inspiration. I think it would be more seamless as something like “A warm spring wind breathes into me / and into the foliage on my lot”: that brings the N and the elements together.

For the transition in the opening of the sestet, you could have “And in the fall I hear from leaves” etc., to make it clearer that you’re switching seasons.

The next-to-last line is metrically rough in this overall metrically regular poem. Maybe this instead: “to measured winter’s melded seasons”?

I find the last line vague and too easy. I think you can get the same Emersonian sense there with a catchier phrase or image.

Enjoyed it,

Andrew
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Old 08-29-2018, 02:08 PM
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Andrew, thanks for the very helpful suggestions, and for liking it. Line 13 was intentional, meant to echo winter’s long length relative to the other seasons—followed by the relatively clipped last line. Maybe it won’t work. Still noodling the couplet.
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