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  #11  
Old 08-26-2018, 07:13 AM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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...Perishing with the remnants of the rest,
Past disregarded, button pressed... ?

(Sorry, Aaron, but that was where the line of thought took me. I am not wholly in jest; had it crossed your mind, too? The notion of "last", as opposed to "latest", is chilling.)

It occurs to me that if you are to riff on Berkeley, you might consider mirroring his distinctive pattern, alternating pent/tet.

Sorry to chime in with an Audenesque "No, Aaron, No..." Perhaps I am being too hasty and I will continue reading and thinking. Do feel free to look upon this as a tree in a forest - Craaack - whoosh - sssh.
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  #12  
Old 08-26-2018, 08:04 AM
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Catherine Chandler Catherine Chandler is offline
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Well, this "Canadian" loves the poem. I did want to see "grey" in place of "gray" (one little gut reaction), and, for more emphasis (although you say you favor sparse punctuation), might I suggest the following for the final line:


America, Hi there! supreme. For now.


Cathy
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  #13  
Old 08-26-2018, 10:31 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
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Hello, all. I have made several revisions.

Andrew, I intend the morning salutations to operate in a number of ways, some differently from others. I accept that they are not working for you.

Ann, yes, that “last” at the end of Berkeley poem is something—it seems he really did believe that time would end at the end of the American Empire with the return of Christ. The view that we are for some reason now “late” in history is so pervasive in the West—I can’t decide whether it is a pernicious view. One does get a little tired of decadence, decadence, decadence all the time.

I did consider using Berkeley's metrical template but decided against it 1.) because I don't like the 5/4/5/4 scheme as much and 2.) so few people know the Berkeley poem that my poem will have to stand without it, anyway.

Cathy, thank you very much. I will gratefully accept both of your suggestions—both of them subtle but powerful changes. Thanks, thanks, Aaron

Last edited by Aaron Poochigian; 08-26-2018 at 10:34 AM.
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  #14  
Old 08-27-2018, 10:19 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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I think it's great, Aaron, although I agree with Edward about the England line - not because it makes me uncomfortable, but because it just seems like slightly lazy stereotyping. I don't mind stereotyping as such, but you have to work a bit harder to make it interesting.

I rather like Edward's Gray suggestion, and I therefore tentatively offer "(Her skies have turned an elegiac gray.)" That way you get to use the American spelling in a truly English reference. Wahey! (Or Wahay!)

I like it a lot anyway.

Cheers

David
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  #15  
Old 08-27-2018, 11:19 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
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Thank you, David, for pushing me to revise stanza two line three. You, Edward and Cathy have all been helpful. I think this is it:

(She sighs big; she gets up to brave the gray.)

I like how the "big" picks up on the "big" in "big ideals," and "brave" suggests loftiness of purpose.
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  #16  
Old 08-29-2018, 06:08 PM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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I like it. How about dropping the second she in S2L3? "For now" is an understated approach to the questions you imply: what, where, and when is the apocalyptic Fifth Monarchy?
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  #17  
Old 08-30-2018, 02:23 AM
Aaron Poochigian Aaron Poochigian is online now
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Thank you, Bill. I will go back to "Her toast is rasping, and her tea is grey." for S2L3.

The "for Now" is meant to look back to the ended Babylonian, Roman and British supremacies and to suggest that ours will someday end as well.
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  #18  
Old 08-30-2018, 06:58 AM
Bill Carpenter Bill Carpenter is offline
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Too obvious, but what the hey:

Zaoshang hao. Ni chi le mei you?
Lao Bai, Lao Hei, Lao Mei -- jiu gou le.
Tian xia,
the dark head folk rule dou dou dou --
Dao Tian Ming,
the "Mandate of Heaven," jiu diu le.

(Morning. Have you eaten yet?
Old Whitey, Old Blackie, Old America -- enough already.
The black-haired folk rule all, all, all under Heaven --
Until Heaven's mandate just falls.)
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