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Old 09-07-2018, 07:06 AM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Lazio, Italy
Posts: 4,645

I enjoyed this, Rick. I think if I worked there I’d eat in the graveyard too.

A couple of things.

You have a typo, no closing quotation mark in the “Don’t tell me” part of the dialogue.

And I was surprised that in a poem that includes dialogue and people interacting that the non-human-scale of present-day NYC is made mention of. Not that I’m arguing that it used to be more human-scale, but the poem shows us a New York that is, in its way, still that.

So maybe another adjective there would be more to the point. (I think I get that you're alluding to the WTC and 9/11, but maybe referencing glass and steel or the wood and hand-crafting would communicate that better.)

Last edited by Andrew Frisardi; 09-07-2018 at 07:09 AM.
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Old 09-07-2018, 09:33 AM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is online now
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1,739

Interesting to see you use the newly found fame of Alexander Hamilton as a foil for your brief moment of contrast with the NYC past. It turns on a dime, as they say. It's a pleasure to read your rhymes, just as it is your imagery.

The broadway play is a quite ambitious re-telling of an American life (with Caribbean heritage) at that crucial interlude of time -- in metrical rhyme no less. I could see you adding a stanza or two more and return back to the graveyard to have a talk with Alexander -- perhaps in hip hop rhyme. Then end with a NYC stanza. Maybe.

(Edit -- never mind the humor)


Last edited by Jim Moonan; 09-07-2018 at 12:59 PM.
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Old 09-07-2018, 12:17 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Ellan Vannin
Posts: 2,050

I like it, Rick. On the first few readings the abrupt - I thought - line breaks of the opening bothered me, until I came to think that they might be meant to stand, in some way, for the interruptions in your lunch occasioned by the visitors.

I think the ending is excellent.


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Old 09-10-2018, 05:35 AM
Rick Mullin's Avatar
Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 7,741

Thanks Erik and Martin.

Thanks Andrew. Actually, what looks like an open quote before Don't tell me is a close quote from the tourist's interruption that starts in the line above.

"human scale," of course, refers to the size of the buildings, but also refers to human interaction. I think it works--the interaction between the narrator and gawking tourists is sort of low on the "human" scale.

Glad you like it. It really is a beautiful place to eat lunch.

Thanks Jim. I finished reading Chernow's "Grant" a few weeks ago and am now half way through his "Washington: A Life." I suppose I'll have to read his "Hamilton," which was what launched Miranda on the musical.

Hi David,
Yes the first "pentrain" is very jump-cut. That wasn't done on purpose, and was very prominent in the first draft. It results, I guess, from adding dialogue to the rhyme and meter, or vice versa. But I do think it portrays interruption and contrasts effectively with the steady flow after what would be a high volta as N "sits back." Thanks.

Thanks folks,
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Old 09-13-2018, 09:49 PM
Michael Cantor Michael Cantor is offline
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Plum Island, MA; Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 10,646

What a pleasure to read a poem about a real person, sitting in a real city, and having real thoughts about a real world.

I like the poem, but my sense is that - while it might be obediently metrical - the rhythm runs away and hides in the second half. That long stretch from the middle of L8 ("sit back from the line") right through "of "no return"" in L15 without a shred of punctuation doesn't work - it needs a break, a dash, a semi-colon, a caesura or two - something - to let the poem and reader take a breath or two. Do the last ten lines have to be a single sentence? The commas midway through L13 and and the end of L14 save the end - it ends well - but you've gotta break up that middle section.

Last edited by Michael Cantor; 09-13-2018 at 09:52 PM.
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