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Old 09-10-2018, 05:19 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: England
Posts: 2,273
Default Saturdays

Saturdays (3)

Round about now he would ring with a tricast
and hang up content,

his Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent.

The cat flicks an ear and sleeps on a gatefold
as if she's curating

the spirit I'll need for long afternoons.
It seems I'm still waiting.

The tips were all donkeys. Your vinyl still crackles
though, weaving its spell —

Sky Masterson croons through the years to his Sarah,
his missionary belle.

Remember, be Charlie Potatoes you said,
you'll be rolling in clover

or lose but speak never a word, is that right?
The record is over,

the boat has been rocked, the needle is locked
in a circular groove.

The evening draws in. I can't shake the feeling
I've something to prove.




orginal L1 reinstated
Orginal S3 and 4 reinstated but moved to S5 and 6 with 'books' —> 'sleeve' and 'wisdom' —> 'spirit'





Saturdays. (Rev 2)

My father would ring with a tip for a tricast
and hang up content,

his Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent.

The tips were all donkeys. His vinyl still crackles
though, weaving its spell —

Sky Masterson croons through the years to his Sarah,
his missionary belle.

Be Charlie Potatoes, go out with a song,
you'll be rolling in clover

or lose but be good old reliable, right?
The record is over.

The boat has been rocked, the needle is locked
in a circular groove.

As evening draws in, I can't shake the thought
I've still something to prove.



cut S3 and 4
All 3rd person
Added 'though' to L6



Saturdays (Rev)

Round about now he would ring with a tricast
and hang up content,

his Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent.

The cat flicks an ear and sleeps on my books
as if she's curating

the wisdom I'll need for long afternoons.
It seems I'm still waiting.

The tips were all donkeys. Your vinyl still crackles,
weaving its spell —

Sky Masterson croons through the years to his Sarah,
his missionary belle.

Be Charlie Potatoes, go out with a song,
you'll be rolling in clover

or lose but be good old reliable, right?
The record is over,

the boat has been rocked, the needle is locked
in a circular groove.

As evening draws in, I can't shake the thought
I've still something to prove.



Added 2 stanzas (7 and 8)
Last 2 lines - Merged into one sentence. 'feeling —> thought', added 'still'






Saturdays

Round about now he would ring with a Tricast
and hang up content,

his Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent.

The cat flicks an ear and sleeps on my books
as if she's curating

the wisdom I'll need for long afternoons.
It seems I'm still waiting.

The tips were all donkeys. Your vinyl still crackles,
weaving its spell —

Sky Masterson croons through the years to his Sarah,
his missionary belle.

The boat has been rocked, the needle is locked
in a circular groove.

The evening draws in. I can't shake the feeling
I've something to prove.

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 09-22-2018 at 08:16 AM. Reason: 'Sky' for Skye/ 'our' for 'the' (L2)
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