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Old 09-11-2018, 08:53 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Eric, I really appreciate your deep dive on the opening. The need to do such already points to something I need to deep dive on fixing.

That baleful flicker of light that was to play at Moscow on Napoleon,
[--this is something of a curveball start and would likely be conversationally o.k., but for the convolutions it devolves to. Think like this: "That time at The Hard Rock Café: who among the diners can really appreciate the music." ]

1. who of the nameless drones
A. that trot today Pamplona-like, the Metreon,
B. or [trot] SF-MOMA,
C. or what side-walks they
C1. occupy
C2. and brusquely lead me on
2.could
2a care
2b or understand about that day?

-->That's not perfect lettering, but I think gets across what I was trying. Convoluted. As is the meter, frankly. I'm only pausing in my posts; I'm working with the poem offline according to your observations. More soon I hope.

"Though the door is narrow, yet go deeply in." Thanks for the deep dive on the intro.
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  #12  
Old 09-11-2018, 08:58 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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Jan! Good to see you.

It's really something that you point at the opening like that. This poem actually grew out of that single phrase: "That baleful flicker of light that was to play at Moscow on Napoleon." It's not a supremely consequential one to the work I was reading (Churchill's "Marlborough"), but it stuck in me nonetheless.

Thanks for the read. Hope it rewards more.
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