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  #11  
Old 09-05-2018, 02:20 PM
Rick Mullin's Avatar
Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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I like the low simmer of this poem, David. Perfect for the contemplation of color. And I really like the very subtle touch on the "English" meaning of the word. It's simply suggested in viewing the landscape, which might be done through a glass--a telescopic magnifying device.

I think the tone is just right for color [sic] contemplation.

Rick

Cultural note: I also think it's interesting that green and grey get the same word--I have an expansive understanding of grey. And of green, for that matter.
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  #12  
Old 09-08-2018, 11:10 AM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thank you for that, Rick. That's pretty much what I want to hear, but in fairness to other posters I think I'll have a go at a revision anyway. But thank you for your vote of confidence in it as it is.

Cheers

David
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  #13  
Old 09-08-2018, 12:39 PM
Andrew Frisardi Andrew Frisardi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by David Callin View Post
in fairness to other posters I think I'll have a go at a revision anyway.
Heaven forbid, David! If you are happy with the poem, go with it. There is absolutely no expectation, on my part, about revision. I just called it as I saw it, and let's just say i'm not exactly clairvoyant as a critic.
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  #14  
Old 09-09-2018, 01:00 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Andrew. You're right, of course, but I thought it might be useful to try to recast it somewhat. I'm just trying now.

Cheers

David
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  #15  
Old 09-11-2018, 09:21 AM
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Daniel Kemper Daniel Kemper is offline
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-->"Glass" is the Manx word for both green and grey
Question: Are there also separate words for green and gray? Sort of like how 'person' is a word used for both male and female, but we also have man and woman. -?

Noting metrical questions and suggestions.

[These] Shades of green and grey. We have one word
for both, suggesting either colour-blindness [- ]
of {an} unassuming nature - [but] not the sort
that blackens skies and paints the cornfield red -
or a mild disinclination to distinguish [+1 foot?; opens with anapest]
between two cats of a similar complexion. [+1 foot]

Was it the world turned down a notch or two,
simmering ov[er a mod] [erate heat] without [+1 foot, internal anapests]
rightly coming to the boil, or did they view [+1 foot]
the landscape differently, through eyes [-1 foot]
attuned to all the subtle interplay
of glorious greens and polychromatic greys? [+1 foot]

For all my notes, I do like the concept and a great deal of the 'taste and shape of the poem in the mouth'.

My personal taste is against unrhymed verse-- at least against taxonomizing it as poetry-- with no detriment to its value and pleasure as its own art form. It's just with all the variations allowed and the additional, unrelated variations that happen in natural voiced readings from person to person, I don't think its distinguishable from prose by ear. Not your poem in particular, but unrhymed verse in general, to include stuff like the syllabic verse of Paradise Lost.

Hope this helps somehow.

Last edited by Daniel Kemper; 09-16-2018 at 10:54 AM. Reason: meant to say 'syllabic' not 'accentual'
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Old 09-11-2018, 02:15 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thanks Daniel. That does help somehow. I am trying to recast the poem in some way. but I don't think it will end up rhyming. Not that I'm opposed to rhyme on principle.

Good luck in your campaign against unrhymed verse! (Including PL.)

Cheers

David
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  #17  
Old 09-11-2018, 04:49 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Hi David,
I like this a lot; as someone else pointed out, the cats seem a bit too much of a mixed metaphor. Though funny, green cats stand out too much; I would suggest that you either give them whimsical company, or send them to hunt mice elsewhere. I also thought of the sea even before I had the benefit of Ann's comment; I'm not sure if an explicit mention is needed, but it might make a suitable replacement for the cats:

or a mild disinclination to distinguish
between the sea's variable complexions.

Thanks for the read!

Martin
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  #18  
Old 09-13-2018, 03:53 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Thank you Martin! I keep saying this, but I am trying to revise this. I am.

Cheers

David
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