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Old 09-10-2018, 05:19 PM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Default Saturdays

Saturdays (3)

Round about now he would ring with a tricast
and hang up content,

his Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent.

The cat flicks an ear and sleeps on a gatefold
as if she's curating

the spirit I'll need for long afternoons.
It seems I'm still waiting.

The tips were all donkeys. Your vinyl still crackles
though, weaving its spell —

Sky Masterson croons through the years to his Sarah,
his missionary belle.

Remember, be Charlie Potatoes you said,
you'll be rolling in clover

or lose but speak never a word, is that right?
The record is over,

the boat has been rocked, the needle is locked
in a circular groove.

The evening draws in. I can't shake the feeling
I've something to prove.




orginal L1 reinstated
Orginal S3 and 4 reinstated but moved to S5 and 6 with 'books' —> 'sleeve' and 'wisdom' —> 'spirit'





Saturdays. (Rev 2)

My father would ring with a tip for a tricast
and hang up content,

his Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent.

The tips were all donkeys. His vinyl still crackles
though, weaving its spell —

Sky Masterson croons through the years to his Sarah,
his missionary belle.

Be Charlie Potatoes, go out with a song,
you'll be rolling in clover

or lose but be good old reliable, right?
The record is over.

The boat has been rocked, the needle is locked
in a circular groove.

As evening draws in, I can't shake the thought
I've still something to prove.



cut S3 and 4
All 3rd person
Added 'though' to L6



Saturdays (Rev)

Round about now he would ring with a tricast
and hang up content,

his Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent.

The cat flicks an ear and sleeps on my books
as if she's curating

the wisdom I'll need for long afternoons.
It seems I'm still waiting.

The tips were all donkeys. Your vinyl still crackles,
weaving its spell —

Sky Masterson croons through the years to his Sarah,
his missionary belle.

Be Charlie Potatoes, go out with a song,
you'll be rolling in clover

or lose but be good old reliable, right?
The record is over,

the boat has been rocked, the needle is locked
in a circular groove.

As evening draws in, I can't shake the thought
I've still something to prove.



Added 2 stanzas (7 and 8)
Last 2 lines - Merged into one sentence. 'feeling —> thought', added 'still'






Saturdays

Round about now he would ring with a Tricast
and hang up content,

his Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent.

The cat flicks an ear and sleeps on my books
as if she's curating

the wisdom I'll need for long afternoons.
It seems I'm still waiting.

The tips were all donkeys. Your vinyl still crackles,
weaving its spell —

Sky Masterson croons through the years to his Sarah,
his missionary belle.

The boat has been rocked, the needle is locked
in a circular groove.

The evening draws in. I can't shake the feeling
I've something to prove.

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 09-22-2018 at 08:16 AM. Reason: 'Sky' for Skye/ 'our' for 'the' (L2)
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  #2  
Old 09-10-2018, 05:36 PM
Jan Iwaszkiewicz's Avatar
Jan Iwaszkiewicz Jan Iwaszkiewicz is offline
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I was left wanting a Runyonesque name for the tipper of the tricast Mark.

Who are Skye Masterton and his Sarah?

I love the form and get the feel but am lost on detail.

Jan
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Old 09-12-2018, 10:25 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is offline
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Hi Jan. Thanks.

Sky Masterson and Sarah Brown are characters from 'Guys and Dolls' which was based on Damon Runyon's stories. I wonder if making the identity of the tipper more explicit might help this one? Spoiler Alert: it's a poem about my dad (yep, another one...)

Cheers.
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Old 09-12-2018, 10:39 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Fascinating details and an unusual metrical choice. I figured it was probably about your dad. I like the way the circular groove of the record seems to be a metaphor for the ingrained habits of both father and son. It is a good portrait of the father and of the son's feelings about him, though short on details about the frustration the son feels. But that's okay. Some level of mystery is a good counterweight to the specificity of detail about the father. The unbelievable happy ending of the musical's pairing of two opposites is contrasted with the ongoing irritations of real relationships that have no way out.

Susan
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Old 09-12-2018, 12:55 PM
Erik Olson Erik Olson is online now
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Mark,

This is nicely wrought; as foxily as ever. I doubt not but that you are very adept at withholding details and identifiers so as to bestow mystery. I have no reservation to offer you for this poem, apart from the one which is this: I am afraid that what enabled me to decipher the subject comes courtesy, not of the poem itself, but rather the advantage of knowing you on Eratosphere. I would not be able to have done were I not privy to the fact that your father had passed away, were I not familiar with the fact that you have taken the man up recurrently in other works I have read on here, and the like. It makes for a notch too oh so coy or short on detail, for my part. It is withholding in the extreme to the point that the artfulness of it draws attention to itself.

As the Spartan form leaves many spaces white, so the content many matters blank. It may remain so, yet allow for some hint that the father is the subject; then it would be elliptical yet not unfriendly to those who know nothing of you outside the poem and have but the poem to go off. I enjoyed reading this much; more so when once I unriddled the subject at hand.


[Edited-in: I forgot to mention, I have no idea what the devil you mean by I can't shake the feeling / I've something to prove, how proving has to do with anything or how it fits outside of rhyming with groove. Dare I say, it sounds too convenient for this reason. Perhaps if I understood what I just mentioned I would be satisfied that it does indeed live up to the rest.]

Cheers,

Erik

Last edited by Erik Olson; 09-12-2018 at 08:52 PM.
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  #6  
Old 09-12-2018, 03:14 PM
David Callin David Callin is offline
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Oops John. A misplaced poem there.

I really like it, Mark. I recognised Sky and Sarah immediately (and the boat that rocked) - what a great film that is - Marlon sings! (or does he?) It was Tricast that I had trouble with at first.

I also like the form of the poem. Who else has done this? It's very attractive.

I am wondering, slightly, what it is you feel have to prove. And there is something in what Jan and Erik say about the identity of the Tricaster. We don't need to know that it is your dad, and it would still work well if we didn't know - except, I suspect, for that last line.

But I pretty much fell in love with the poem. You had me at Runyon.

Cheers

David
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Old 09-12-2018, 04:38 PM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Hi Mark, the first thing I noticed was the way "content" can take the stress on either the first or second syllable. At least here across the pond. So what about flipping S1 and 2?

His Runyon indulged, our winnings imagined,
collected and spent,

Round about now he would ring with a Tricast
and hang up content.
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Old 09-12-2018, 05:26 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Mark, I like it. Right away I felt it had to be about your father, even though I hardly know your work. Itís a good piece.
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Old 09-12-2018, 07:19 PM
Jim Moonan Jim Moonan is offline
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A Runyonesque father figure speaks volumes. You've inherited his turntable and much more I presume. (Don't we all).

I love the turntable and the sound of needle on vinyl that fills the poem. It provides the bridge/connection between the past and present (a soundtrack). I wonder if you might be able to slip in the name of the song playing... There is so much latent emotion in the turntable image.

I stumbled, too, on "content", first reading it with the accent on the first syllable. But I'm fine with that. I don't know if flipping the first two stanzas would make sense sequentially. Besides, it's easily corrected with closer reading.

More of a stumble for me was Tricast. But again it was easily resolved. Still, I wonder if there is another word you could use that would help those who aren't familiar with British betting vernacular. Perhaps "Round about now he would ring with a sure bet"...

But there's nothing about this I don't like. A lot. The way it lingers at the end -- like a stuck needle.
x
x

PS: Not sure about the title. Could a different title help to tip the reader as to who the "tipper" is? I do think it is important to the impact of the poem that the reader know.
x
x

Last edited by Jim Moonan; 09-12-2018 at 07:33 PM.
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Old 09-12-2018, 10:46 PM
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Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
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I love this; it stays with me. The needle still hisses after the songs are done.

Title? I like "Saturdays" because it echoes the notion of spin, of returning to the same point on a regular basis, of the stop at the end of the week's five predictable numbers, the "what now?" of it; the implication of opportunity, the different ritual.

But if you do consider changing it, is there any mileage in "(His) Time of Day"?
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