[Yves S L]

Hello Alex,

For me the issue with the original was not so much about being overwritten, the emotion being too extreme (some people don't like positive emotions but have no problems with intensely emotionally negative poetry), or about too many modifiers (don't believe the early 20th William Carlos William rules in respect to modifiers), it is more that the modifiers gave the impressions of automatic, formulaic writing (folk pinned it to be Georgian, I originally was thinking something around the Victorian era): "eternal grace", "golden shower", "jewelled air", and "timeless space".

It sort of felt like you established a centuries old mood (cover band music), and then kept turning the crank with formulaic adjective + noun phrases, so it felt like you were simply not working hard enough at phrase making. Eliminating the adjectives relieves the poem of the technical difficulty of having to think anew about modification, but it turns the poem into something else.

Yeah!